Quickie

No, not that kind. A quick post for anyone still paying attention to this blog. I feel bad for this dry spell but I seriously have so little energy these days. Work is killing me and this entire month is going to be this way. Next month should be better, at least the last half.

J and I are on a break from TTC or any kind of family building plan. We decided that the rest of this year will be spent on us and we’ve been great at following through on that plan. It is a relief to not think about it everyday, not worry and be stressed about the next steps, what it is costing (financially, emotionally, etc.) and whether what we’re doing will result in an actual baby. I have lost ten pounds in the last two months – not sure if that is the pro.zac or the stress reduction or a combination, but I’ll take it. I still have another ten to go to get down to my pre-marriage / pre-quitting smoking weight. Is that even possible at 40? It might be, if I could get myself motivated to do something physical…

Anyway, there have been a few moments these past months where I have felt sad, bitter, alone, desperate. But the moments pass and I am enjoying being busy. Maybe the being busy part is an avoidance strategy – if so, it seems to be working. I just know I have the rest of the year to be free of worrying about what comes next and I am trying to enjoy it. We are going to take a vacation (yes, another one) in September and also do a weekend to Washington and another to Chicago (visiting family and friends.) I am taking a class this quarter and am currently signed up for two next quarter. So, I am staying busy and working on being with J and having fun with him. We have been having more sex (is it my mood, his mood, the weight loss? Who knows?) We are going to do more relationship building activities. And then come 2010 we’ll discuss what is next.

I have to admit that I have been considering “child free living.” It has merits – cheaper, less stress, more time to do what we want, more sleep. I see my friends with babies and toddlers having no lives and being so tired and unhappy. I think I won’t be like that, but I figure that is just delusional thinking. I think living child free is scary to me because it means I have to figure out what I am going to do with the rest of my life for *myself*. If I don’t have kids than I have to finish my degree, I have to make something of myself. Man, that sounds horrible – I hope you understand what I mean! I guess it is that I feel like if I don’t have kids than I need to do something great, something to make up for not doing what my body was designed to do. There is pressure in that – I know it is self-generated pressure. But right now I feel like if I don’t have kids than I should be doing something really awesome instead of just living my current life.

Friends, fellow bloggers – please know that I miss you guys and care about you – especially Becoming Whole, An Unwanted Path, Beautiful Mess, and My Life After Loss. I have been terrible at reading and commenting and I think about you gals all the time. I can only say that I’ll do my best to read / comment / be there for you.

She lives

Hi everyone – sorry for the huge gap in my posts.  I have been crazy busy and unable to blog or read blogs with any consistency. Not sure when the situation will improve but I’m making an effort to fit it in. For now, I’ll just create this possibly really long post to tell you what I have been up to these past weeks.

Yesterday was my 5 year wedding anniversary and we celebrated at the restaurant that catered our reception. They have awesome food and drinks and we love going there, though we reserve it for special occasions because it is pricey. Last night’s dinner was almost $200! But we agreed that we wouldn’t get gifts this year, just cards and the dinner. I got pretty drunk and woke up still feeling a little tipsy. So – a good time!

I am writing this post from work – yes, coming in on a Saturday. We are at the tail end of a product launch (scheduled July 1st) and we are extremely behind. Part of it was missed requirements early on in the process – which was before I came onto the project. (Just covering my ass here!) So, all of us are working evenings and weekends to try to get this software working.  That is one of the reasons I have been so busy – I’ve been working 60 – 70 hours a week this month.  I’m no spring chicken so that has really taken a toll on my energy.

The other thing I am doing this month is taking a Spanish class – it meets Mondays and Wednesdays but requires almost a daily effort to stay on top of things. An effort I haven’t been expending due to work – so that also needs to change.

We went to Bel.ize the the second week of June and it was amazing and relaxing and fun and I want to go back.  Now that we’ve experienced a resort vacation we’re hooked! I am looking at spots in Mex.ico to go next. I’m taking suggestions, so if you have been anywhere cool and not too expensive please let me know.

I’m going to get back to work now but will try to post more regularly. Here are some photos of our vacation:

So far behind

It’s just a constant refrain. I’m sorry and I feel bad for the lack of posts and comments. I’ve been able to do some here and there but nothing like I want to do. I am going to spend the next little bit playing catch up because I’ve been tagged – not once or twice or three times but FOUR TIMES since I’ve had this blog. In my defense the first two happened before I knew what the heck it meant so they just sat there waiting for me to notice them. I’ll see how far I can get today:

R. from Becoming Whole tagged me with Crazy 8’s – which was one of my favorite childhood games. No one seems to play that anymore…

To do list (i.e. “the rules”):

1. Mention the person who tagged me. Done
2. Complete the list of 8’. Done
3. Tag 8 bloggers & tell them I tagged them.  – Working on it

Eight things I am looking forward to:

1. Going to Bel.ize next week!

2. Finishing up this product release

3. Feeling better with the help of Pro.zac

4. Losing weight

5. Improving my relationships, esp with DH

6. Being part of my nephew’s life

7. Someday being a mama

8. Going home to see Charlie (my angel puppy)

Eight things I did yesterday:

1. Slept in until 10:30!!

2. Leisurely read the newspaper

3. Went in to work for five hours (on a Sunday!!)

4. Strategized with business partner about new customer (did you guys know I have my own business on the side?)

5. Had dinner with a friend

6. Renewed my dislike for said friend’s boyfriend based on latest stories

7. Watched Waitress

8. Cuddled with DH

Eight things I wish I could do:

1. Finish my bachelor’s degree
2. Get pregnant with my own eggs
3. Get pregnant with  my DH’s sperm
4. Get pregnant
5. Run a marathon
6. Speak a foreign language
7. Smoke cigarettes with no physical consequence (I know – terrible! But so good!)
8. Open up an animal rescue center

Eight shows I watch:

1. Medium

2. Without a trace

3. The Office

4. 30 Rock

5. The Deadliest Catch

6. Dog Town

7. The Soup

8. Law and Order reruns

Eight favorite fruit

Not really a fruit fan, not sure I could even name 8. I have been known to eat these three:

1. Bananas

2. Grapes

3. Watermelon

Eight places I’d like to travel:

1. Italy
2. Spain
3. Australia
4. Hawaii
5. Transylvania
6. Costa Rica
7. Ireland
8. Hungary

Eight places I’ve lived:

1. Columbus, Oh
2. Cleveland, Oh
3. Tennessee
4. London
5. Raleigh
6. Clearwater, FL
7. Dunedin, FL
8. Seminole, FL

People I’ve tagged:

I’m not sure who has participated in this, but here goes:

1.  An Unwanted Path

2.  Conceive This!

3. Baby Smiling in Back Seat

4. Bella and Her Fella

5.  May the Road Rise

6.  Sell Crazy Someplace Else

7. Bellyaching and Benedictions

8.  Birds and Squirrels

Wow – that was a lot more work than I thought it would be! Plus, a really long post that may not be so interesting to anyone but moi. I am going to have to save the other memes for later. Remember the refrain, ladies! (So far behind, so far behind!)

Where we go from here

I am really glad today is Friday, though also stressed because I have so much to do at work and I am not getting stuff done. Today I have sat here for several hours just unable to do what I need to do today / this week / this month.  Today, I need to build a presentation, I need to write some documentation, I need to put together a training plan and I am not doing any of these things. I have started the presentation but can’t seem to fill the slides. I am hoping that taking a “break” and writing will help me get the juices flowing so that I can get some work done today.

This afternoon I am going to a memorial service for one of my husband’s friends. He killed himself on a beach in NC.  This is my third memorial service this week; yesterday we held one for my colleagues here (he also killed himself about a month ago) and on Saturday we attended the funeral for one of my former colleagues. They say things come in threes so I am hoping this is it for, oh at least another ten years or so. Attending funerals for people my age really makes me think about my own mortality and life and how I am choosing to spend my days. That is some heavy sh*t and maybe that is why I am having trouble concentrating… or maybe that is just an excuse.

I didn’t make the sign up for ICLW this month – so far my pattern has been one month on one month off. It is hard for me to sustain that level of commenting during the work week and also I just feel guilty about it. (She says as she types a blog post at work.) But I also don’t haven’t been blogging a lot and I feel like if I am not contributing I shouldn’t expect people to come to my blog to read old posts. I will be reading and commenting myself, just without the pressure.  Please accept my apologies for being absent from commenting recently, I intend to improve my record this weekend.

J and I did have a talk about children and our future – and he initiated it. (In a recent post I mentioned that I was waiting for him to bring it up, wondering if he ever would.)  I’ve been mulling things over in my head but not really wanting to talk about them with anyone. Kind of grieving the knowledge of my loss of my fertility, my reproductive options — the closing of my window. The stupid effing window. I just have to accept it, that truly I did wait too long and that my body will never carry life. It is sad, heartbreaking sometimes to think about it. When I think about moving on from here my heart just tells me “not yet.”  Not because I feel like I have a chance but because I just need to dwell in this place a little longer, this dark place where I must look in the mirror and accept our situation. I have been here since the beginning of March and I don’t think I’ll linger too much longer.

I have said to at least three people, maybe four, some approximation of these words: “We are done with IVF. My eggs are too old. I will never have a baby with my own body.” Saying it out loud makes it real. I haven’t said these words to my husband, not exactly in this way. He would take it as a definitive statement, a declaration that we are done and we can move on. I hate that he wants that from me. I wish he wanted to keep going so that I wouldn’t feel like I was being influenced by what he wants. But I do want to stop; I just want to feel like I am making that decision for myself. Does that make sense to anyone?

So what did we talk about then? Well, he told me that he wants to 1) adopt but 2) wait between 9 months to three years to start that process. (Don’t even get me started about this timeline and how long it takes to adopt!! Oy!) During this time he wants us to focus on us, to improve our relationship and get back to where we were before all the heartache and pain.l If that is possible. I told him that I would wait for the rest of this year, that the remainder of 2009 would be about us and what we need. In January we can come together and figure out what is next. Until then we are not even going to think about IF or adoption. Though I can’t stop thinking about what we don’t have and feeling sad when I encounter pregnant women or cute babies. But that goes with the territory and I might always have that to contend with anyway.

Now I am going to try to get some work done!! I have two hours and forty-five minutes left – otherwise I will be working this weekend.  Thanks for listening!

OMG! You Rock Day

I’m a week late** in posting about the most awesome gift I’ve ever received.  Lay your eyes on this beauty:

 

 

Kristen, from Sticky but Sweet sent this to me. The card she included said, ”On this IF journey it is easy to feel like glass. Easily shattered. When you feel broken, please wear this and know you are supported. I’ll be your metal.” What kind, sweet words that epitomize what this community provides to each other. I’ve been so amazed by the support and caring that people provide, no questions asked, day in and day out. On my worst days I know I can come online and read something inspiring on someone else’s blog, or find that someone else has been exactly where I’ve been, or post a whiny complainy post and have people tell me it’s okay and give me hugs. Where else in the world can you get such love and unconditional support? I love this community!

And Kristen, thank you so much for this bracelet — it means the world to me and I will think of you each time I wear it. I do feel broken sometimes (as you know!) but I will wear this and feel your support in the weight of the blue stones, wooden beads and metal. You ROCK!

Disclaimer: I posted the above in the Ning forum, too. I’m not sure anyone saw it there as I was late getting it posted and I wanted to make sure that people saw it – especially Kristen. 

Thanks also to Liv for making this whole thing happen! Mother’s Day can be so hard for women who want nothing more than to be a mother and yet are unable to do it. Taking over the day and giving it our own meaning helped me as I sat at brunch watching all the mom’s get tulips from the wait staff, or the families eating together. I hope this becomes an annual event — maybe Hall.mark will even get in on it with their own line of cards. 

**This has been a crazy, hectic and sad week for us as we separately lost two friends, one to a heart attack at age 58 and the other to suicide. Apologies for the lack of posting / commenting / acknowledging of awesome gifts. I’ll try to be better in the future.

Nightmares on V Street

So today marks my first week of Pro.zac and the biggest side effect seems to be disturbing dreams. Is that even a known side effect? I’ll have to look that up…

Last night I dreamt that one of my friends left her baby with me and someone took her. When she and her husband came back and asked where she was I told them she was gone and we all were sad but we didn’t try to find her because we all had to go to the funeral of one of our other friends. How terrible is that?? Lost baby and dead friend!

The doctor says the side effects usually wear off after a few weeks so bear with them, which is my plan. Also, it should be at least 2 -4 weeks before I am supposed to notice a difference in how I feel. Right after the appointment and for a couple of days over the weekend I felt pretty good. I think it was because I felt like I was doing something positive and that I finally had a health professional listen to me. (I love my GP – he said all the right things during my appointment.) But now I am back to the blahs and I haven’t done much in the way of work this week. I am here, I’m just not being productive. I can get away with it though, so that makes things easier. But I hate feeling like this, I hate not caring about my job and the t0-do list that just grows longer and longer. I really hope this helps and it gives me the kick in the butt I need to start moving forward.

I am going to NYC this weekend with a friend for shopping, luxurious dining and relaxing. We’ll probably spend most of our time in museums but maybe we’ll get out to a night club. (Right!)  Whenever I have a trip planned I always, always want to get out of it, regret planning it, would rather just stay home. I have that feeling now, too. But I am going to go and once I am there it will be fine and I’ll be glad I went.  I’ve always been like this – it isn’t just a result of this depress.ive state. (Unless I’ve been dep.ressed my entire life.)

On the IF front, I’ve been waiting for DH to bring up the topic but I think if I keep waiting it will just never happen. He seems content to do nothing. The other day we had friends over for dinner and we made pasta from scratch and one of the friends (the one who died in my dream last night) said, “You guys are always doing something fun. How do you do it?” And I joked, “It’s because we don’t have kids.” And DH laughed and laughed like it was the most hilarious thing. But it wasn’t funny, to me.

I’m killing myself with this melancholy. Wish me a good time on my little get away and I hope you all have a great weekend.

This is how I feel…

Courtesy of Exploding Dog

What I came home to

Well, DH actually got home first and had it all cleaned up.  But not after telling me “I told you so!” He was referring to an earlier discussion regarding what to do with the umbrella when we weren’t outside – my take was put it in the garage, his was put it on the ground. I say we were both right and yet both wrong, because neither of us put it away. 

Anyone know if you can buy replacement glass? Or will it be cheaper to get a new table? If you look closely you’ll see that the legs on this one are kind of warped, so having to get a new one would be okay by me. Though it is always better to not spend money…

The second thing was much cuter! A little squirrel eating from the suet feeder right outside the kitchen window. 

 

I was glad to see someone / something eating this as it hasn’t been touched since last weekend, when DH cut down my lilac bush. I’m still mad at him for doing that!

Doing it ’90s style!

My dear SIL just sent me a photo of my hubby from fifteen years ago. It is so hilarious that I just have to share it here. I’ve also sent it to everyone I know! Don’t worry, he is fine with it and enjoys being the center of attention – even when it is because people are laughing at him!

I love the suspenders and the Pe.arl Jam t-shirt but I must say the blond hair / black facial hair is the best. Don’t you think he looks like a member of this band:

Ah, I needed a good laugh and this is getting me through with a smile on my face all day long! I hope it makes you smile too!

“Working” for the weekend

I feel like I should post something but I don’t really have much going on.  We haven’t talked about fertility / adoption issues since we attended that conference though I think that a talk is brewing for us in the near future. We’ve just been so busy with stuff that we never talk about the big things. (Maybe that is subconscious — cram our schedules so we never get a chance to figure out whether we’ll have children…)

Tonight I am going to babysit the 10 month old daughter of a friend and I am not too excited about it. (Am I awful??) She is just not a very fun kid to be around because she whine/cries the entire time and I find myself counting the minutes until her parents come get her.  I am sure she’ll be really fun when she learns to talk as I think a lot of her frustration is her inability to communicate what she wants. In the meantime, everyone suffers. (Oh, I AM awful!)

Tomorrow DH’s parents are coming in for an overnight visit and we’ll celebrate both J’s and his dad’s birthdays. My original plan was to have a lunch time cook out at our place and then go somewhere nice for dinner. However, because his parents like to be contrary and controlling, they wrote me an email telling me they would rather do things the other way around and have lunch out and dinner in. And oh, they want me to pick up steaks and sides from Whole Foods. That is annoying. In retribution I am not going to clean my house before they get here.

Last night as I tried to get to sleep I spent time thinking about going to my doctor and asking for something to help me concentrate and get through the day. I don’t feel depressed but I feel cloudy, like I can’t quite focus on work and getting things done. I am behind in all things in my life, work, house stuff, organizing, car maintenance, yard work. I am lacking in energy and motivation.  Is there something I could take to help this? Suggestions are welcome.

Have a good weekend everybody and thanks for reading and commenting on this blog!!